I want ...
the joy that life held from me
the ABILITY to dance
the ABILITY to not have so much pain which leads to
the ability to not be on so many medications
the fire for everything life had to offer me
the ability to work so I don't lose the one thing I have worked for, my home
the ability to not have dizzy spells
the ability to worry that my dizzy spells may lead to another seizure
the ability to be able to teach my son how to ride his bike
the ability to get back on the Karate Team
the ability to have one well known diagnosis code so I don't get the brush off
as easily when I see a new doctor
the ability to play games for hours on my computer without my hands hurting
the ability to wear sandals in the summer because my feet are always so cold.
the ability to read even a 9th grade level book and not need notes to refer to
because I forget what character is who and where they place in the story
the ability to have the lack of pain, in my back or hands and constant
headaches to simply scrapbook again
the ability to take my dogs hiking
and MOSTLY the ability concentrate on what I have instead of what I do not
Grace, who had a takedown from her gastric bypass, last
year, explained that she still suffered repercussions (it's not really
reversible - they can just reconnect the bypassed bowel and bypassed stomach):
I still have repercussions even after the take down. While it
has gotten better and the spiral downward has come to a complete stop, I am
still taking 3x the amount of medications as I did before the wls.
I have overcome a great deal in my life but each day I am
reminded of how my body will not cooperate with all that I want to do and that
makes it much more difficult to overcome these emotions. It's not like, ok it
happened, now move on. There is no escape from my memory loss or faigue or
pain. There is no escape from the taking all the medications I am on and there
is no escape from my memory loss and frequent inability to comprehend. I can
go to the movie theater with my family and when the movie comes on to video
often I have NO recollection of not only the movie but the entire even of
going to the theater.
I know life isn't fair, there are many who are much worse than I am.
But it's a struggle many days to remind myself to be grateful.
Somedays are fairly good, like Saturday I got to take apart the clean the bbq
grill and it felt soooooooooooooooo good to actually be able to *do* something
constructive but those days are so much more the rare exception than the
I tell my story to as many people that will listen and recently talked to a
cousin, on the request of her mother, about getting the surgery. She had been
looking into it and has NO idea of the possible neurological consequences of
Aside from giving my first born up for adoption, this whole situation has been
by far the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with.
Love to all,